Open Book

March 20, 2017

 

I have an anxiety disorder. It runs in my family and I have been struggling with it since I was in middle school, though I went undiagnosed until college. People have told me I over-exaggerate; I have been told that I am lazy and treated like I am slow. I have been called a delicate flower and emotional.

 

Anxiety is different for everyone for has it. For me, it hits the academic side of my life and it makes me exhausted. I always say that how much sleep I get, subtract three hours from that, and that is now much sleep I have felt I got. I have panic attacks that sometimes cause me to burst into tears over things that are considered “not worth crying about.” I have left the classroom a few times this quarter due to these panic attacks.

 

I take 50mg of Zoloft every morning to help regulate myself. They have decreased my anxiety level considerably, though that doesn’t mean that it is completely gone.

 

Many people who have anxiety hide it as best as they can and I understand that. I don’t want people to think that I am asking for pity and I do worry what other people think. I compare myself often to others without anxiety and wonder why I cannot have as busy of a schedule as them or survive on as little sleep. Society puts us all to such a high standard of achievement that it is nearly impossible to keep up.

 

I just need to remember that I am me and they are them. They do not have the same struggles as me, and I do not have the same struggles as them.

 

I have never been very good at keeping secrets, especially my own. I find that keeping secrets gets exhausting. Anxiety is a part of who I am and I am slowly making peace with it. That isn’t to say that I am throwing in the towel because I am not even close to quitting. It just means that I recognize that I need sleep. I need breaks. I need to take deep breaths and a quiet place.

 

I do go back and forth on whether I just offer up the fact that I have anxiety to teachers and employers. I don’t want people to think any less of me or think that I am not up for a challenge. If you are a possible employer reading this, know that I have been able to do everything on this website and on my résumé while having anxiety. I don’t let anything get in the way of being an optimistic, ambitious individual. I want people to trust me when I say I know my limits and if I offer my time to you, I will work hard to be a valuable member of your organization, company, or group. I hold myself to a high standard because I believe that I can change the world around me and help people. I intend to do everything I can to reach my goals.

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